My Politically Correct Valentine’s Letter

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Dear Ollie,

Happy Valentine’s Day 2021, sweetheart! It’s a strange one this year. No fancy dinners in nice restaurants for us. I was so sad to hear that our favorite Italian place had to shut down permanently because of those stupid lockdowns effective safety measures. We’ll have a quiet candlelight dinner at home for two, just me and you! I’ll whisper sweet nothings in your ear and pray Big Brother our smart devices don’t listen in and report our deepest secrets.

This year I got the best gift of all. No, not the red roses you brought me. Not the chocolates. Not even the tiny candy hearts, (which you ate when I wasn’t looking). No, my very favorite present this year was the acquittal of the best President ever that horrible, racist xenophobe Donald Trump the person we’re no longer allowed to speak of.

I thought the whole impeachment trial was a huge farce the best idea ever! It was a waste of time and a ridiculous waste of taxpayer’s money time and money well spent. As always, I was so nauseous that those RINOs stalwart Republicans wouldn’t stand with Trump the person we’re no longer allowed to speak of.

I learned a lot by watching the kangaroo court history-making trial in action, and I suppose that’s a good thing, now that Trump supporters violent terrorists are being censored carefully monitored for the good of the public at every turn. For example, we’re no longer allowed to use the word “fight.” Because, apparently “fight” now means “storm the Capitol and threaten AOC’s life.” Weird.

I wanted to tell you “Happy Valentine’s Day” on my social media accounts, but, unfortunately, I’ve been censored removed for the good of the public once again. It’s not really my fault this time! A few days back the CDC suggested we should all double-mask. Ollie, you know me! I had no choice! I had to speak up and say how ludicrous thoughtful and safe I thought this idea was. Next thing I knew, I was booted for stating my opinion removed because I’m a threat to society at large.

Just for kicks, I tried doubling up my mask when I was shopping yesterday at WalMart. I looked and felt ridiculous like a pro. Unfortunately, I passed out cold on the floor in the health and beauty department. The pharmacist said it was from lack of oxygen and suggested I removed one of my masks.

Go figure.

She offered to call 9-1-1, but don’t worry, Ollie! I wouldn’t let her. Now that we can no longer afford that stupid Obamacare the Affordable Healthcare Act policy, going to the hospital is only for bona-fide emergencies, not silly fainting spells on the laxative aisle.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I meant to make a big splash on social media so that the whole world could know that we’re a match made in heaven that place we don’t speak of. But I’m not allowed to access my account until the censors fact-checkers decide I’ve been punished long enough adequately re-programmed.

One thing they’ll never reprogram, sweet Ollie, is my love for you! You might be a Good Old Boy southern sympathizer, but you’re the man of my heart and I’ll love you forever and ever.

Yours eternally until climate change kills us all,

Annie

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